Ramblings

As I am having a hard night tonight I thought maybe writing something about dad would help to lift the sorrow. I was thinking what a horrible way to die it was for him. And how I know that he wanted to grow old like his dad and watch his kids, grand kids and great grand kids run around his yard playing and having fun all while he presided over them as patriarch. Just satisfied to give a few pokes and tickles to whoever may venture close enough for him to reach; or tease a grand daughter about her new boyfriend. He loved his parents and I think he wanted to continue in their footsteps. Someone wrote a nice letter to me and said that maybe our loved ones can be of more help to us on the other side, but I don't see how that is possible. I am still selfish and want him here with me. I hate the thought that he suffered. I hate the thought that he was scared. I hate to think what might have gone through his mind in those last few seconds of his life. I am sure they were thoughts of mom. As he always trying to take care of her.

I remember that when Brandon asked dad if he could marry me, dad asked Brandon "do you really love her?" But who can honestly love someone as much as a father loves his children. I know my dad loved me. I have never once questioned that in all of my life. I'm sure he wasn't happy with some of the choices I made, but I never wondered if he loved me.